Learning To De-stress: Xanax As ADD Medication
Disclaimer: I don’t give a flying shit about drug abuse. I don’t condone it or approve it, make your own choices and shut the fuck up and let me write my blog. Anyway, I just moved. And it fucking sucked to be completely honest. I would rather move a rotting corpse than move to a new place ever again. It stresses me the fuck out. So I was thinking about some good ways to de-stress. Plus its finals for a lot of you 17th year seniors and I figure that if you don’t want to be balding at ZB-Tahiti, you might want to get your shit together and pass this year. So here is a quaint little list of ways to de-stress.
1. Go To The Gym: What better way to de-stress then to watch other people that look way better than you at the gym? I mean, you’re huffing and puffing on your treadmill and bro next to you is the one remaining motherfucker that has Polio and is on the elliptical going at it, doing lifts with his wheelchair. I mean, it’s a great way to really analyze how much of an awful person you are. You bitched that it rained. You bitched about your period. You bitched about being out of cigarettes. And you’re stressed. So you go to the gym and lookie what we have here. Models going ham and a an old man benching 650. Truth of the matter is, your life really does suck. And now, you wasted an entire “work out” realizing that. Go team.
2. Fill Your Body With Booze And Drugs: This is a toughie for me. Rough day? Fucking half and half. Yes I’m destroying my body. Yes I’m making myself dehydrated. Yes I’m fucking up my sleep pattern. For Christ sake, your liver filters this shit aka it’s poison from Blackbeard’s Goblet. What a solid way to chill out. Getting so wasted that I fuck something else in my life up and therefore am even more stressed. Oh? You like smoking weed? Sweet! Forget to do everything and then still have the same problems tomorrow! Awesome!
3. Mangia: Food. Who doesn’t like to eat? This is a fun one. Maybe go out with some friends, grab a bite, de-stress a little bit. Wrong. Because who the fuck goes out and orders a salad? I guess the real questions is, who SHOULD be going out and ordering a salad. But in this case, you know you go out to eat like shit. Who has a fry-a-lator chillen in their house? Not many people. I know what I’m going to town on when I go out. A big platter of fried shit on a stick and a 72 oz draft beer. I can’t get either of those things at my house. And then thinking about it, I’m always like “shit, I shouldn’t have eaten that” either because I realize how awful it is for me or because it makes me feel like I’m going to die. And then it goes back to the gym scenario. End scene.
4. Hang out with friends: Friends seem like a good way to help you remember the important things. Only problem is that friends often use you to de-stress too. Therefore, their 85 gazilliondy problems now add to your problems. And then you spend the night sitting in this stew of bullshit with relationship problems and work problems and life problems and your one night to de-stress turned into a crock of bullshit. Especially if you’re doing this over food and booze. And if you have friends and don’t go out and enjoy either of those things well then I guess you’re just too cool to hang out with me then.
5. Hang out with an ex: This is ALWAYS a grand idea. Let’s hang out with this one person that made me so incredibly miserable that I cried over them every ni—I mean punched them in the face with a butcher’s knife many moons ago. Well Indian Chief Lying Duck, you now have a the brilliant idea to use an extra life on this person. Whether its for sex or to make amends, it’s never the best idea. Granted, they might take your mind off of some of the bullshit going on, but in the end is it really worth it? Why did you stop dating or hooking up in the first place? Did they stress you out? Was there drama? Were they cheating? Yes, yes, and another dollop of yes. Sweet, go for it bro. I know you will anyway. I’m sure that person’s life is waaaaaay more intune with your’s now.
6. Watch TV: This actually does work because I know for a fact that when I shut off Maury, I can leave my alter crack head ego behind on the WB. I don’t have to live with that shit. Lida Raquisha Vasquez Maloney (baby daddy problems) can stay behind while I go back to work and paying my bills.
7. Fill Your Day With 34532573205703 Other Things: This one always worked well for me. So I’ll stress about Thing X. And then instead of finding a proper way to solve and get rid of Thing X, I look for ways to solve Thing A, D, G, 5, @, %, and finally, Thing U. All at the same time. That’s a lot of multi-tasking if you’re unaware. I bust out the octopussy arms for that type of day. That way, not only does Thing X not become any less stressful, but I’m worrying about problems that won’t even occur until 2015, and that’s not even taking into consideration that we’re dying when the Mayan Calender runs out. My car insurance is due today. Sweet. Time to dust my collectible beaded tassel collection for 6+ hours while I clean my entire house, pay my car bill which is paid up for the next 3 months, and water my cactus. Golly, my stress level went down immensely.
There’s your 7 ways to de-stress. Again, take it from me. I’m an expert. I’ve never done any of these things. Especially not at the same time. PS – Happy almost Cinco De Drinko. Be prepared for that shit storm of a blog post.
*0/10 people give a fuck because they’re out drinking their problems away because this is Amurrrrrica.
